Tuesday, June 29, 2010

First few days in london

It's been an emotional rollercoaster for me the last few days. I've never felt so raw and naked in my life. The powers of traveling have truly exposed my biggest weak point, a distinct hardship in believing in myself and in my ability to do the practical and be creative when problems arise.

When I left the airport in Portland it was in the middle of one of the worst panic attacks in my life. I was shaking with so many strong feelings that I didn't know what to do with myself.

As the plane left the airport in portland I knew I was in for the adventure of a life time, and my first thoughts strayed to worry dread and confusion. I thought, why go? Why go there, it's just the world, and I'm comfortable staying where I am.

The way over to Europe was a whole adventure in itself, first the plane from Seattle was delayed for two hours. I was worried because it meant I may miss my flight to London. With a global phone not charged and a mind full of worry, running on no sleep and desperately lonely, I tried to do my best to relax. The plane from seattle taxied towards the run way and then stopped, delayed another 45 minutes due to weather. I sat and waited as best I could, my stomach hurting. Finally we got onto the air and I was on my way to jfk airport. But as we approached there was another delay in landing. I thought to myself, why today of all days does the weather have to be so terrible? As I landed I knew I'd missed my connecting flight to Iceland. I walked brisling through terminal eight towards the airtran to the international terminal, terminal 7. I found the ticketing counter for Icelandair and asked them if the flight had left, the woman said no and a flash of hope overcame me. They rerouted me to Britsh Air instead on a direct flight.

I have never felt so pampered on an aircraft in my life! A blanket, pillow, headphones, a dusposable toothbrush and socks to top it all off! I tried to sleep on the flight over to London, but a combination of wracked nerves from the experience and another panic attack made that hard. I met a few very kind hearted people and the feeling of flopping about like afish out of water, a fish with no phone and no way of turning the plane around.

As I arrived in London I felt calmer, the cycles of panic, happiness, exhiliration and loneliness hit like a ton of bricks. I wandered around the Heathrow airport, just absorbing, listening to people who spoke so many strange languages it was hard to count!

Then i went out into the city towards my hostel called 'The Steam Engine'. I felt so tired it was Luke my head was swimming. There was a cute freckled english boy and his family who seemed interested in me and my backpack, we exchanged smiles and a quick laugh as the poor kid moved to go sit next to his mum and tripped over my backpack. The boys mother apologizing profusely and me making the joke that my pack is too large for it's own good.

Near Waterloo I exited the tube and wandered to try and find my hostel, after several wrong turns in somewhat hot weather I found it.

Eager to get there and call back home I found to my dismay that my international phone seemed to not ne charging! At this point I just felt too sick of things going wrong, and too tired to do much about it.

I met my hostel mates for the next few nights and we talked some, they're a nice bunch. I took a quick meandor around the neighborhood in order to get the lay of the land and to explore. I wandered unexpectedly into Waterloo Station, turning a somewhat modest unpopulated corner to see a sea of people!

I then went back to the hostel to try and rest up.

Last night I again haduch trouble sleeping as thoughts of doubt and dread filled me, i realized that I want to stay in London at the same hostel for a week instead of a few days.

I needed some certainty under my feet since the ground has been shifting so much already. The sleeping pills I took didn't work and I felt so tired and angry and unhappy by about four in the morning all I wanted to do was go back home.

Today I'm going to take it very easy and let my raw feeling nerves recover some oomph before heading anywhere over the English channel.

My next destination will by Paris.

Photo dump to come later!


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